there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
