I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
