I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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