I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
porn star boner night. come get it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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