He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize