I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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