I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
