update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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