i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
