Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
