enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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