need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
