I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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