Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
