all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
