It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize