They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
