we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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