i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
