i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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