evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
These tits shall not be calmed
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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