It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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