i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
