i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize