saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
