last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You don't make any sense
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