I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
