I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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