So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
