so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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