I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
