Only a mothe r could love this liver
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
