What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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