Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
