No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
