i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Randomize
