Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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