My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
