you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
