When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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