the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
