I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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