maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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