What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
