I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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