he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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