He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
