I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
