Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
