How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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