My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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