I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
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