In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
