I seem to have left my pride at pride
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize