this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
