and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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