You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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