mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
