the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
