If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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