I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
