yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
There are leaves in my underwear?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
