It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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