I would go down on you faster than GM stock
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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