My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
